"Be careful" is very
good advice, but the best advice I was ever given in this life is "Count
the Cost".
A very special person in my life
once shared an important message, albeit a 'general' message for all people,
"Count the Cost". When I first heard that phrase, I immediately
thought of my Spiritual-journey, instead of my entire Life-journey as a whole.
As I sit back and reflect on the
last nine years of my Born Again life, I am mostly disappointed in my
decision-making, in the risks I took at the expense of developing my
relationships, with God, my fellow-man and myself.
I live a very HIGH RISK life, in
the sense that I will always go "all in" in the gamble that is my
life. I give it all; hold nothing back and this has not always been beneficial.
I have gambled away parts of my life that I can never get back, my heart is so
damaged, I only seem strong because my emotions are covered in scar-tissue and
keloids and this has had an incredibly devastating effect on my ability to
relate and respond and even function in society.
I haven't been able to 'feel' God
the way I am accustomed to in a very long while. I jump in and out of
relationships, bringing to each, the baggage and hurts of the previous ones. I
prayed for true (L)ove and God never denies me, but then I enter into a new
relationship and leave Him behind... This is not how it should be.
I have many personal and spiritual
regrets in my life, but I always look for the lesson or 'moral of the story' in
each chapter that closes.
My most fulfilling relationship
was when God re-enacted the Hosea-story in my life, showing me that I am not
only able to forgive and understand, but that I also need to be forgiven and
understood. When this relationship ended, of course there was pain, but there
was also a sense of freedom, compassion and complete love. I walked away with
no regrets or doubt; I truly let the other person go in the belief that if we
were meant to be together, God would make a way...through the dark and brambles
of life.
I just came out of a 14 month long
relationship that ended because I was unfaithful and selfish and unkind to the
other person's heart and feelings. I loved him, like I did the others before
him, but I was never really content with my lot. I knew I wanted or needed
something different, but I couldn't even be honest enough with myself (never
mind him) to analyse the condition of my heart...
Now I am single again and at a
point in my life where my true love wants to try again...and I'm not
emotionally available to be Mrs Right to him. Do I ask him to wait indefinitely?
I am trying to work with God, I
aspire to be a worthy partner, a Proverbs 31 woman, that I may lead by example
and be righteous before His sight again.
Of course I am terrified, but I
want to be able to leave it all behind and have a new, brighter future than the
one I was setting up for myself, because that one was going to end in eternal
misery.
Please don't get me wrong, I do
not want to close my heart off from love, but right now, I am in no position to
promise anything to anyone or pledge anything that I do not have to give.
Herein lays the problem: While God
is eternally patient with me, waiting for me to 'get it', a man is not so
understanding... At the same time, I cannot begin to presume to know anything about the
work God is doing/has done in the other person's life.
So, do I risk another gamble in
the hopes that it works out better this time round, or do I work patiently with
God as he prepares me for my future?
My biggest fear is missing out on
an opportunity of a lifetime BECAUSE OF fear...
Help me Father.
